Torn

This is Izzy on her first official day at Kinder (otherwise known as childcare). Her face pretty much sums up her mood on the morning - Terrified. Excited. Curious. Proud.... We had been leading up to this day. Hours were spent together at the centre getting to know the new faces and surroundings. Making sure that she felt comfortable and familiar. We decided early on that it would be Daddy's job to do drop offs. We all knew it would be easier that way.

The first day went fairly well and predictably, the weeks that followed were gut retchingly hard. She cried when she left the house. Screamed. Begged me not to make her go. I bribed her with treats. A muesli bar for the trip, a lollipop on collection, a new dolls stroller, some fairy dust. Anything to stop the tears. Still, there were tears at drop off and tears when I collected her. It broke my heart but I knew we had to go through with it. We both needed the time.

Then one day, about a month later, she settled in. Literally, one day there were no tears anymore. No more protests. I would collect her and she would be smiling and laughing with her little gaggle of buddies. She would proudly pop on her backpack and say goodbye to every single person in the class individually before stopping at every single room on the way out to wave to all the kids.

Ironically, it was around the same time that I started to sense some serious flaws. At first it was just a feeling from some of the staff..and then I noticed the sterility of the place. The fact there were no easels for painting. The place always seemed too quiet for a childcare centre. Izzy would tell me about her day and in one particular week, she told me that they weren't allowed to go outside for the two days she was there. I called the centre and was told it was because the grass (fake grass) was wet.... I knew this wasn't true. It hadn't rained. And besides, we pack spare clothes for outdoor play. Outdoor time is integral. It didn't take me long to realise they kept them inside so they could finish work on the adjoining car park during opening hours. I could let it slide.

Then I witnessed something I couldn't ignore. I arrived at the centre to pick her up just as all the kids were getting ready for a play outside. A little boy, around 3 years old was crying - he didn't want to go outside. Ignored. In true toddler style, his defiance grew louder.. he walked to a corner of the room and kicked a window. Ignored. He grew louder and louder and by this stage was crouching behind a bookcase wailing. Ignored. The kindy teacher was washing some dishes. She finally sighed and yelled "YES, George! We can hear you... WE JUST DON'T ACTUALLY CARE!!"

I could not believe my ears. Had she just actually said that? and in front of me? We eventually left and he was still crying in the corner as we got in to our car. My heart sank. I felt so sad for that little boy. Sad for his parents who had no idea how he was being treated.

By the time I got home, I was fuming with anger. How dare she treat a child in her care like that? She is PAID to care. I am sure you are fuming as you read this too. I was angry at myself for not saying something right then and there. For not giving that kid a hug and showing my daughter what compassion means. Instead, he was ignored by everyone in the room and actually told that no one cared.

Izzy made her first real friend at kinder the week before. Ava and Izzy had been inseparable. We ran in to her today at the children's farm and they locked hands and played like they have been buddies for years. My heart broke again.

How can I move her out now that she is so happy?
How can I make her go through the whole settling in process again? New faces... new surroundings...?

How can I keep her there knowing the standard of care?
How can I let Izzy's first pre-school experience be such a negative one? Isn't a kindy teacher meant to be warm, friendly and kind?

Torn.