I have been wanting to post about so many things over the past few weeks....desperate to record the passing moments, days, precious little memories & frustrations that will get lost in the 'newborn fog' that is the first 12 weeks. I have actually 'posted' plenty of things mentally but they have just not made it to the keyboard in time.. and they have vanished by the time I get a spare moment to share them..
There is one thing I really need to blog about though.. I need to get this off my chest.
You see, I am being consumed by the GUILT MONSTER. Do you know him? He tends to visit when you are at your most sleep deprived. When you are at your most vulnerable. He sits on your shoulder and whispers cruel sweet nothings as you go about your day...
"That toddler wont sleep because YOU haven't taught her too yet"
"You are being so short with her, you know she will be damaged for life"
"You're not spending enough time talking to the newborn - she will be mute and it will because of you"
"You are not cooking enough vegetables for the toddler, you know you feed her too much sugar - her teeth are going to be brown and it will be because of YOU"
"You are so cruel to that husband of yours - he will have an affair and it will be because of YOU"
"You haven't done painting, play dough OR ANY CRAFT for that matter with your toddler for 5 weeks. She must be so bored and it is because of YOU"
The bastard has been hanging around for a few weeks now. Long enough for him to set up camp and start a family of his own... little guilt monsters will soon hatch and then there will be no getting away from them. They breed pretty quickly, you know. And I know of Mums (older Mums with grown up kids and grandkids) who have become so infested by the Guilt Monster and his awful mob that they don't even notice him anymore. It is like his taunts and jives have become a part of who they are..they are one and the same.
I hear that the guilt monster plays a starring role in other mums lives and to be honest, I always just thought it went with the territory. You are a Mum, You are therefore guilty. Guilty of anything and everything. You are just to blame from here on in. But since I started blogging, I have discovered that there are Mums out there who have NEVER experienced Mother Guilt. For some reason, the guilt monster has just not taken a liking in them.
Why? Why are some of us fraught with guilt and others are so confident in there decisions and their parenting? Is it just plain luck..? Has it got to do with our own Mum?
Can you shed some light? And if you don't have the answer to that question, perhaps you can just tell me how to banish this guilt monster for once and for all...
PS - Can you believe that 5 mins after posting this, I started thinking about the fact that Izzy is going to wake and I have no dinner prepared which will mean I will be doing it while we should be playing and I felt... GUILTY! Ironic, huh?
18 comments:
Oh dear - that little bastard need's to pack his bags.
you are a wonderful mama. look how clever you are - you made two beautiful babies!
Take it easy on yourself. You have a newborn for Gods sake. I bet if you showed yourself more kindness - you'd have more to give.
Have the Mr. take over kid-land for an hour when you can - and pop yourself in the bath with 'Buddhism for Mothers' Does the trick for me when I
a. need a kick up the arse to be the mother I am meant to be
or
b. need to be gentle on myself.
Big hugs.
xx
P.S. My mother doesn't just run guilt trips - she owns the agency. Now THAT is not how I want to be!
Oh jeez, I know the feeling well........ I dont have the answers except to ponder - why dont men seem to feel the same guilt? Is it programmed into us as women along with our nesting instinct and inbuilt GPS toward the mall? I wish I knew because girlfriend, 'guilt' is my middle name! Hang in there, kid.... everything will look better once you get more than 3 hours sleep in a row again. x
Oh Jess!! I was having this EXACT conversation with a girlfriend today :) Us Mothers seem to feel SO MUCH guilt...whether it's our own insecurities causing the guilt, or the pressure that we put on ourselves, or the way others make us feel, or the overwhelming feeling of having so much responsibility!! Who knows why we feel it, but you're not alone Lovely!!! I feel guilty for Ella when I'm at work {even though I know she's safe & happy & looked after at Kindy}, yet I feel guilty when I'm home not working & not contributing to our family budget. I feel guilty when I'm on the computer & not giving Ella my undivided attention, yet I feel guilty for giving Ella my 100% attention & neglecting my emails, blog, "ME" time or friends!! Etc etc!!! I have no answers for you sorry, but if you find some...please let me know about them :)))) I guess we feel guilty coz we love so much! And we care so much! And with that....comes feelings of guilt & pressure!!
But rest assure my Dear....you are an AWESOME Mummy, and your children will blossom & florish perfectly because they have YOU!! All we can do is our best, I reckon :)
xo
guilt smuilt. I say, if you have a baby under 6 months you can do whatever the hell you like. And what was your earliest childhood memory...?
I don't remember clearly but i do remember being about 4...so that gives you a couple of years! I just know that i felt loved. It's all that matters when you are short on time.
Oh ladies - y'all rock! Thanks for your comments, you have all made me feel SO much better - each in your own individual way! I knew you would have some wisdom to share or feel the same! :) xx
Dads feel guilty too. Just remember it's normal
I haven't yet met the mum who is not intimately familiar with the Guilt monster.
Poor Jess. It's hard enough being a parent without that energy zapping Guilt Monster hanging around. I think those of us who strive towards perfection in all things tend to be the most bitten. The GM is part of 'us', then, not part of 'mother'... do you know what I mean?
Just remember, whether you feel guilty or you don't, it changes nothing. Your babies will be the same babies and you will be the same you. Put your energy into smiling at them while you make the dinner. That's almost as good as a play anyway!! x
I'm a mother of 4 children & have never felt guilty for anything. I worked when i had one, then had twins, started my own business working from home, then had a 4th, he's now 7, the eldest is in high school, still guilt free. My husband goes away for months on end, often the odd phone call a fortnight, he's guilt free too.
WHY?? HOW?? Because we are doing our best & doing it well, we are the only parents to these children & they love us, know we try to the best of our ability & we tell them how much we love them, enjoy them & spend time with them, creating functional social beings. I openly tell them when Daddy is home, he comes first, they tell us how nice it is to see how in love we still are (after 17 years, yes, i married my teen love).
Ok, so i might have a psych degree & be very content with myself, my education, my business success & raising 4 children & loving being a housewife, they were breastfed, cloth nappies, handmade clothes, eating vegetables from our garden, but man, i did it with them!! They would hang out with me in the kitchen, laundry, bathroom. We're incredibly close.
I plan, organise & work at cooking healthy meals, well in advance, i'm NOT a good cook. It's practise, it's writing lists, it's being undistracted & focusing on the issue at hand, nailing it, then working on the next issue.
Guilt is a waste of time, keeping doing, ticking things off lists & if you have to, strap the baby to your chest, chat to your toddler - they are fascinated by the most mundane things, playdough by the clothes line, sure, they'll think it's awesome!! Involve her while you cook, they might eat more carrots than they peel but you're together. Read while to your toddler while you breastfeed etc, so many tricks!! Love Posie
Jess, I started off feeling guilty about everything. I read every book about parenting I could find and ended up so confused about all the conflicing information. I ended up deciding to be informed but follow my gut, my instinct. Also one day I suddenly realised that I would make mistakes and what was good for one child may not be the right thing for another. But I made a pledge to do MY best, for my kids amd me (I left my husband when the kids were 3 and 18 months old)My babies are now 18 and 19 and a half. Yes my son had shocking teeth and needed some major work when he was little, he doesn't remember itand his second teeth are fine! You know what, they love me and are good citizens and have done well at school and are both going to university this year.
So I guess you will make mistakes but because you are thinking about it you will do the best that you can with the information you have and the situation in which you find yourself. So send those guilt monsters away accept that you are human and enjoy motherhood and each stage that they are at because before you know it they will be grown up!
I totally agree with the comments, and just wanted to say you are not alone. I think most of us go through the guilt...it's just that it's only the strong ones that admit it. :)
Hope the little bastard pisses off soon xx
Jess I'm contemplating returning to full time work. I'm struggling to shake the associated guilt.
If you find the cure please let me know.
In the meantime know that you are doing an amazing job!
"I didn’t feel that I had to be the “BEST” Mum, just doing my best was enough." These are not my own words but the words of my Mum who posted on my blog a while ago.
They really spoke to me and I am doing a much better job of letting go of the guilt now. If you want to read the whole post, it is here -http://childhood101.com/2010/05/it-was-all-so-simple-then/
There are some Wise words offered above Jess. You already know I think you wonderful. I feel the guilt of the expectation of what I can achieve vs the reality of what I can achieve all the time. I suspect it's my expectation of being able to "do" it all well and it may be the same for you too. Honestly, I think that some days are well, better than others and that we need to manage our expectations of ourselves. You are raising two beautiful little girls and that is the most wondrous thing there is. There are MANY of us here and I'm sure loads of people in your life who have your back and are cheering for you every step of the way regardless of how much of your time is spent in self doubt. Tell that guilt monster to get lost!!! You're doing the best damn job you can. Xxxxx
Ah, Jess, I know the GM well - he must moonlight at your place after leaving ours! Hmm, maybe it's worth seeing your GP for a chat. Just a thought. Sending you a ♥ J x
Hey Jess Thanks for your comment on my blog. I'd like to email you but can't find your address. J x
Oh, yes. I know him. He's taken up residnence in my life too. I have come to your blog from Jane's. Will be back for sure!
oh jess. i know the guilt monster all too well. he is an asshole and he is not worth listening to. He just brings you down when you are already down enough as it is.
You are an awesome Mummy, doing her best during hard, hard times. It is NOT easy having a toddler and a newborn, you are thrown lots of little trials that the GUILT MONSTER will feed off, especially if they aren't handled as well as you normally would.
SO the answer is YES I know him too. He is not nice, so dump him girlfriend! ;)
xxx
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